Murderer's Hands
by EmoEmmo
Summary: Balder and Loki are extremely close. Then something goes wrong, leaving Loki alone.


"Show me."

Loki looked at his hands, and bit his lip. He looked up at the older boy in front of him. "You...you want me to show you what I can do?" He asked uncertainly. "But..Father Odin won't like it-"

"Loki, Father loves your magic! He only pretends he doesn't because he doesn't want you to fall into the dark magic that the Dark Elves practice. Come now. Show me the best illusion you can make!" The older boy said gently.

Loki still looked up at him u easily. "Balder, I'm not sure that this is a good idea..."

Balder laughed. It was one of the happiest sounds Loki thought he would ever hear. The bright ginger-blond hair shone. Blue eyes twinkled playfully, but not mischievously. No, the god of innocence and light and joy couldn't be mischievous. And if Balder said it was alright, Loki was inclined to believe him. Balder looked to be around nineteen, tall, muscular, and Loki loved to tease him about the girls who signed over him.

Loki himself looked about eleven. Black hair was slicked back over his head, and unusually luminous green eyes stared at everything, taking everything in. He was the god of Mischief. It was his nature to do things without permission. Still though, Odin scared him, even though he was his father. He'd never admit it of course, but it was just a fact.

But Balder had said it was alright to do magic. Loki grinned. Rare was the opportunity to impress his brothers with his tricks. Thor seemed to ignore them. The oaf didn't possess magic. But Balder did. Balder understood.

Loki willed the green light around his hands and concentrated very hard on the picture of a grassy field with occasional wild flowers popping through here and there. Balder loved settings like it. He squeezed his eyes shut and clapped his hands together.

Even from behind his eyelids, the light was intensely bright as an explosion of green light burst upon impact from his hands. There was a fast, warm breeze that stirred his hair, and suddenly it was over.

Loki opened his eyes, and saw with a feeling of pleasure that he was surrounded by silvery grass. But he saw that it was evening, nearly nighttime, and there was a willow tree near a small pond. Fireflies flickered in the grass, and a dragon fly whizzed casually past, then looped around back towards the pond like a comet to the sun. Loki felt like he could relax here.

"Well! It certainly isn't simple. Well done, Loki!" Balder's voice startled him and he whirled. His brother was standing behind him on top of a small hill, and ran down to meet Loki as the boy ran towards him. "Who taught you how to do this?"

Loki blushed. "W-well, I did. There were so many books in the library... This one, the book said that it was meant to be real. The extent of our magic could nearly rearrange reality, but not quite."

Balder grinned. "I bet one day this'll make quite the trick to Thor! One moment he's battling with Sif, the next he's with her in this nice little haven!"

Loki giggled. His brother did seem to have a small crush of Sif. Everything he did was to impress the high strung warrior. "Well, I use this place to help me practice my magic. It helps me focus, I guess."

"I could help you perfect it, if you like. Teach you to wield a weapon. You look like you could be more suited to speed than brawn, yes?" Balder laughed, and his hand glowed turquoise. It was a beautiful color, and one full of light and brightness. Loki liked it.

Balder swiped his hand in an arc across the darkening expanse of the sky. Stars, which should have long been out, but which Loki had never perfected, spread across it with beautiful brightness. Loki laughed, and pulled Balder toward the pond. "I made fish!"

Sure enough, a large koi swam along the bottom of the crystal clear pool, the stars reflecting on the surface. The fish looked like it was weaving in and out of the stars. Another crossed its path, and both flicked away out of sight.

Loki sat back against the tree, slightly disappointed, but feeling immensely happy when Balder continued to watch the water. Loki grinned to himself.

He sat back a little further. Suddenly, he kicked, and Balder let out a surprised cry, muffled by a loud splash and Loki's laughter. A blond head, shiny and wet, raised itself grumpily from the water and blue eyes stared accusingly at Loki, who was rolling around on the grass clutching his torso, he was laughing so hard.

"You little..." Balder muttered as he started to climb out of the water.

Loki, still roaring with laughter got up and offered his hand. "You should see your face!" He said as the older boy took his hand.

"Yeah, I got a mirror right here!" Balder shouted and jerked on Loki's arm, causing him to yell in both outrage and surprise as he sailed into the middle of the pond with a huge splash. Balder laughed and waited for the boy to come to the surface. He laughed a moment more. Still nothing. Not even a ripple. Balder waited a moment more, growing increasingly uneasy. Surely he would've surfaced now... His face went slack. Bubbles started rising to the surface in the middle of the pool. "Loki..." Balder murmured, fear coating his voice, and dove under the water.

Nothing caught his eye. Nothing. It was all blue. No flashes of green. No struggling movements. He could only swim to the middle of the pool and look. Darkness surrounded him, and he dove further down. If Loki was this far down...he definitely wasn't up higher, but if he was this deep...Norns, not his little brother...not now...please let Loki be alright...

Suddenly, there was a burst of green light, deep into the darkness of the pool. It sustained for a few seconds, flickering, then it dimmed and faded into nothingness. Balder kicked out desperately, trying to reach where the light had been. Suddenly he slammed into a mass. It wasn't large enough to be a monster, and judging on where the light had been, this was it. He wrapped his arms around it and kicked out for the surface. His breath started to get harder to hold. As the light from the surface grew brighter, Balder's breath started to get harder to hold. He had to get Loki above water. The limp form didn't move.

And suddenly, his head broke through, letting him finally get a breath of air. He coughed a little and frantically started for the shore. Loki's form was limp and heavy. The older brother struck out for the bank as fast as he was able, desperately trying keep the young Prince's head above water. Finally Balder's feet hit the bank, and he hauled himself and Loki onto the ground. He pulled Loki a little ways away from the water and immediately took notes of his brother's appearance.

Loki's hair was bedraggled and spread all over the ground, and his eyes were closed. His lips were bloodless and slightly parted, and he was paler than death. "Loki! Loki wake up! If this is a trick it's not funny!" Balder said frantically, and put his hand under the boy's nose, trying to feel for a breath. Nothing. Balder's heart pounded as his panic rose to a new level. He plugged Loki's nose and pressed his mouth against the boy's, blowing into it. He pushed on the small chest once, twice three times. Water dribbled weakly from the corner of his mouth, but when Balder checked his breathing again, not a breeze.

The older boy was starting to panic. He did the same thing again, and nothing happened. Balder dissolved the illusion, which wasn't hard. It left him soaking wet with his younger brother laying on the floor of a large room.

"Loki...Loki please wake up..." Balder pleaded desperately. He put his head on Loki's chest and listened for a heartbeat. It was there. His hopes lifted, but came crashing down again as the irregular thump became fainter. He raised his head slowly, trying to think of some way to make Loki wake up.

Suddenly, he noticed how tight the boy's robes were. They were...beyond tight. His hopes lifted, and he immediately began untying the knot. Frantic fingers tried to coax the knot loose. It was like he could hear the heartbeat fading. Finally the knot came loose and he tore off the robes.

Immediately Loki arched his back in a gasp and started coughing. Water spilled from his lips in a torrent, and he coughed until his lungs hurt. He relaxed and breathed hard, his eyes closed. He opened them slowly. "Balder..." He said hoarsely, and was swept into his brother's arms.

"Loki...Loki Loki Loki Loki...I'm sorry...I'm so so sorry..." Balder said in a rush, hugging the youngest Prince to his chest. "I almost lost you...I'm so sorry..."

Loki's eyes stung, and he burst into tears, clutching at Balder tightly.

Three hundred years later...

(14 years old)

Loki gripped the hilt of his dagger tightly. His ears strained for any sound, trying to locate an attacker. He knew they were there. He'd heard them several times, caught fleeting glimpses. All his senses seemed to be more acute.

"I know you're there," he mumbled, and as if summoned, he heard running footsteps. He leapt upwards just as the steps seemed to reach him, and flipped backwards. He landed on his feet, and deflected the blow of the sword off his blade. The attacker, reeled backwards, but took almost no time to regain his balance before Loki had to dodge a stab from the sword.

"Balder, shame! You can do much better!" He said with a grin, and darted in, slashing at one of the marked spots on his brother's armor. He managed to side-step another stab from the sword, and ducked under his brother's arm, stabbing his under-arm.

Balder grunted, but laughed and managed to dodge Loki's next attack. "I can! Haha, but to fatally wound you would be to wound that little Valkyrie, Skadi!" He yelled, and dodged another stab by Loki's dagger.

Loki laughed, and easily danced out of the way of a swipe. He tucked his knees up to his chest as the sword swiped again towards his legs, and skittered backwards. "Don't go easy for her! She hates me, anyway! What about that woman, eh? The daughter of Freya, Nanna, wasn't it?"

The blonde warrior's already red face went purple. His strikes began to get more aggressive. Loki's followed suit as he laughed.

Her ran in for another stab. His brother dodged, grabbed the teenager's arm, and brought his sword down on it.

Look gave a bloodcurdling shriek of pure agony. Balder realized what he'd done with look of horror on his face. Loki heard the sword drop to the ground as he started to collapse. Balder caught him, and sank more gently to the floor with him. Loki was gasping, clutching his arm to himself.

Balder tried to coax it from him. "Loki, I'm so sorry...I-I thought it was an illusion...let me see how bad it is...Loki you have to let me see, I might have hit an artery, you might bleed out...there-ODIN'S BEARD!" He shouted, as he saw the full extend of the wound. Loki's forearm was...gone. Blood ran from the missing limb in a river. Loki's eyes started to droop, and he started to go limp. Balder shook him awake frantically. "Hey, hey, stay awake-" and suddenly Balder gasped, as the image in his arms disintegrated.

Loki ran up behind him and stabbed his back. Balder whipped around furiously. Loki started laughing. He'd never seen such a confused and angry face on his brother. It was priceless!

Balder grabbed his shoulders and started shaking him. "Who do you think you are? I thought you were really hurt! You started to go unconscious and I..." Balder lowered his head. "Don't do that again...never ever again..."

Loki nodded, his smile gone, fear playing with his emotions. Balder was trembling. He was actually trembling. Loki suddenly realized that he was crying. Balder the Fearless, Balder the Bold, Balder the god of light and laughter and innocence was sobbing like a child. Loki felt a huge stab of guilt. "Balder, I-I'm sorry...I didn't mean to make you...I'm sorry..." Loki looked down.

Balder pulled him into a tight embrace, clutching his back and his hair. Loki hugged him back, just as tightly, and felt his brother's shoulders shaking.

Two hundred years later...

(16 years old)

Another training session. Loki wasn't surprised; however this one was different. He was the best fighter this side of Jotunheim, better than even Balder...in some areas.

Balder stood in front of him, and handed him a mistletoe spear. Loki looked at it warily.

"Balder, I don't think-"

"Don't think. Just do. It helps sometimes," he interrupted, then flashed a brilliant smile.

Loki still looked uneasy. "Balder, you know this is your sole weakness. If you get a wound, even one, it'll be serious."

"You're thinking. I just said don't think."

Loki looked at him skeptically. "That is literally the worst advice you could possibly give," he said, reluctantly taking the mistletoe spear. "This won't end well..."

"1, 2, 3, FIGHT!" His brother shouted, and rushed at Loki with his sword. Loki side-stepped, and barely managed to get out of the way of his brother's quick reflexes. He wasn't used to fighting with such a long weapon. Balder laughed. "Brother, have your skills suddenly deserted you?"

Loki frowned. He blocked a strike with the long part of the it, then used the butt of the spear to throw Balder away. He slammed the end into the ground, swung himself on the shaft and kicked Balder away more, before jerking the spear out of the ground and jabbing forwards. This was rather enjoyable, actually. Loki grinned as Balder side-stepped his stab, then leapt over the spearhead as Loki went immediately from the jab to a swipe at Balder's knees.

And so it went on. Both brothers could go on forever if it meant besting the other. They both twisted and blocked and stabbed and dodged and swung and grabbed. An even match. It seemed to go on for hours until both had bleeding cuts on their arms and faces and were breathing hard.

Loki kept his spear pointed at his brother, a smile playing wearily on his lips. "Give up yet?"

Balder breathlessly shook his head. "Never," he said with a smile, and rushed at Loki again.

Loki stopped. He would wait until the last second.

Suddenly his heart froze, even as he reacted. He'd misjudged the distance! Everything seemed to go in slow motion, as he felt himself raising the spear. He didn't have time to get it steadied, and suddenly, Balder was upon him. There was a loud gasp, and Balder's face suddenly changed into one of pain.

Loki's eyes widened, as Balder skidded to a stop, and he nearly believed his eyes were deciding him as he saw the point of the spear, jutting out of his brother's back.

Balder clutched his torso, blood pouring out of it. Loki was breathing hard as he watched in horror. The blonde warrior dropped to his knees.

"Loki..." Came the tense murmur, and he sank lower.

"Balder...if this...if this is an illusion..." Loki's voice shook, and even as he said the words, he knew it wasn't. He caught his brother as he started to fall sideways. "I-it's not funny..."

Balder was gasping. His face was twisted in pain. "You...you were right..." He gasped, and his hand clutched Loki's shoulder. "It didn't end well..." He attempted a laugh, but it turned into a cry.

Loki looked around, desperately hoping that someone was going past. "You need help," he said, trying to steady his voice.

Balder caught his breath as a pool of blood flushed over the floor. He coughed, and the scarlet liquid dropped from his lips. "I...I don't think...that'll actually help..."

"Yes it will! Come on, stay focused on me!" Loki hissed at him. Frustration at being so helpless clawed at his insides.

Balder choked, more blood fell from his white lips, and he went limp. His eyes met Loki's. His hand slowly came up from his shoulder to the back of his neck. "Make sure...that whatever mischief you get into..." A faint smile played on his lips. "Pull me into it with you..."

Loki grasped his hand, and closed his eyes. "Alright...I promise.." He opened his eyes and stared straight into the fading, blue ones. "But you have to promise to survive this."

Balder's grip suddenly loosened from Loki's jawline. "I...can't make a promise...I can't keep..." He murmured, and suddenly a crystalline tear fell onto his cheek.

Loki stared at it in shock, then his eyes flicked back to the blue ones pleadingly.

Balder's body shuddered, and the white lips moved once more. "I'll always be with you...brother..." And the blue eyes dulled to a lifeless grey. The warrior's body finally fell sideways with a hollowed thud.

Loki stared at the eyes. They stared into him. You killed us... They seemed to say. You are to blame... His chest grew tight, and all breath seemed to flee his lungs. He began to silently weep. Shock forbade him to feel the tears. All he could do was stare at those eyes. His heart thudded against his sternum, a haunting reminder of what wasn't beating underneath the still breast.

He slowly reached out a hand and closed the eyes. He shakily got to his feet, his breath wheezing, and backed away from the body. You killed us...your heartbeat is betrayal... You. Are. A murderer... The image of the eyes told him.

Loki stared at the body. The spearhead still lay embedded deep in his brother's flesh. Loki stared at it. It seemed unreal. All of it was so unreal.

Balder wasn't dead. That wasn't Loki's spear. Loki hadn't killed him. Balder wasn't dead. Balder. Wasn't. Dead. At any moment, Balder would sit up and be completely alright.

Loki suddenly needed proof that his brother was playing a joke. Surely the spear had only pictured a sack of sheep's blood that Balder had put on for the prank. Loki surged forwards suddenly, and ripped the spear away.

He watched. He waited. Waited for any sign of movement or life. Watched the eyes. They would open. They would be merry and joyful, just like before.

Balder didn't move.

Suddenly he knew. It came crashing down on him. He dropped to his knees, and clutched the spear in his fists. He stared at it. The weapon used to murder his brother. And suddenly he threw it away with a yelp of disgust.

Then he stood. The image of the eyes haunted his vision, even though the lids were closed. His heart hammering seemed wrong.

It all seemed wrong.

He took off his overcoat and gently laid it over his dead brother's head.

As he started to pull back, he stared at his own hands. Pale and shaking and covered with drying blood. Murdering hands. Cruel hands. Hands that kill. Cold, cruel, murdering fingers laden with the blood of his brother.

He scrambled to his feet and started running. Running from the Eyes. Running from his hands. Running from his heartbeat. He didn't know where he was running. He had to get away. Just away. He had to get away from the Hands and the Eyes!

Hallways passed in blurs. Lights flashed past him. The gold of the walls became blinding. The walls themselves seemed to whisper, "Killer..." as he dashed past them. The statues in the courtyard glared at him, their unseeing, white, stone eyes staring into him as if they were Balder's dead ones.

He didn't know where he was. Blinding. Flashing. Eyes. Hands. His heart pounded. His breathing was ragged. He skidded to a stop, looking around wildly.

He saw the only pair of doors. A friendly, inviting exit where he could lock it after him. He threw open the doors, dashed inside and slammed them shut behind him. He pressed his back against the door.

"Loki...?"

He snapped his gaze over to look at who was there.

Frigga slowly stood up from her chair, closing the book she read. Her face was all concern. "What's wrong? You're so pale..." She said and walked over to him.

He shook his head, his eyes wide. "No...no don't come near me..." He muttered.

"Why ever not? Are you feeling alright?" She asked, and suddenly she saw his hands and her eyes widened. "Loki! What happened?!" She shrieked, and grabbed his hand.

He jerked it away. "Mother-"

"Loki, what in the Nine Realms happened to you!" She said, and began checking him for injuries. When she found none and looked at Loki frantically for an answer, she saw his face white. His eyes were wide and staring into the air. His blood-covered hands shook violently. Though no longer breathing hard, his breath was shaky. "I killed him..." He breathed.

Frigga's face changed to confusion to concern to horror and back to concern. "Who...?" She asked gently, but inside, she was stunned. Her Loki, the innocent little boy she remembered had killed someone?

His eyes flicked to hers, pleading for protection, begging for her to comfort him. "Balder..." He choked out. "I killed Balder..."

She gasped, her hands flying to her mouth.

Loki stared at her, watching as she seemed to cave in on herself. "It...it was an accident...I'm sorry...I'm so sorry..." He gasped, backing away as he opening the door. He started running again.

He ran to his room and locked the door. He locked all the doors. He locked the windows. His breath was fast and heavy again. He ran into the bathroom and turned on the faucet. Water began running down, and he thrust his hands underneath it. He began scrubbing the blood from his fingers. Even after it was gone he was still scrubbing.

 _Murderer's hands..._

He scrubbed harder. His palms began to bleed from scratches from his fingernails. Still he scrubbed. Anger pulsed through him. Rage. Terror. Horror. He had to wash himself clean of the blood. He had to wash away the murdering hands.

 _You killed us..._

Sweat trickled down his neck. The Eyes flashed in the mirror. Cold eyes, lifeless eyes.

 _Heartbeat...betrayal..._

His heartbeat was loud and fast in his ears. The sound the water was drowned out by the thud. He scrubbed furiously. Furiously. Had to get the blood off. Had to get away.

Finally he stopped. He stopped because he did. He didn't know what made him. Blood trickled from the scratches on his fingers and palms. He stared at them.

Suddenly his energy was gone. He collapsed to the floor and began to sob, and he poured his pain into every tear. His shaking hands clutched at his heart. He didn't know how long he wept there. It seemed like minutes but it was already late night when he finally stopped. He sat there, staring into space.

"Loki," came a voice. He jerked his gaze up, wanting to be alone, but desperately needing someone.

A girl stood there, about his age. Raven-black hair swept over one of her luminous, turquoise eyes. A silver circlet crowned her forehead. She wore a simple dress, midnight blue with silver linings and a silver belt. She stood with her hands by her sides, gazing at him with a look of sympathy in her eyes.

He looked at her. "Who are you? Go away..." He murmured hollowly.

"I am Nikta, the goddess of the night, just as you are the god of mischief," she said softly. "I search for those who are so lost in their thoughts, they cannot distinguish thought from reality."

He looked away. "I know what reality is." His voice was hard.

"But you are lost."

He stood up, and walked towards her. "Tell me, Nikta," he said coldly. "Have you ever killed a man?"

She tilted her head a little, as if studying him. Her eyes were sad as she answered, "Yes."

He was a bit startled, but didn't show it. He'd expected her to say no. "Was that man your family?" He demanded.

Her eyes glistened as she barely nodded, but she never broke eye contact. "Yes," she whispered.

Loki started, and backed away from her.

She smiled faintly. "The god of day, Solikta, my brother. Each evening, I must kill him to bring the night. He always comes back, but it seems it's only so I may slaughter him," she said softly.

"But he comes back," Loki said. "My brother...Balder...he's never coming back. He's protected me all my life..."

Nikta studied him a moment. "Give me your hands," she said firmly.

He backed away again, suddenly aware of the scratches that marred them. "No...not these hands. Not these murdering...cruel..."

"Scarred, scared, kind hands," she whispered. "Hands that healed a scraped knee or dried tears."

"And killed their own blood!" He yelled.

"But saved many others, and will go on to save more," she said. "Give me your hands."

Slowly, angrily, he extended them. She gently took them, and for the first time, her eyes left his face. She studied them intently for a moment, her delicate fingers playing in the lines of his hands.

"Interesting," she murmured. "His soul...it lives within you, you know."

Loki frowned. "What...?"

The girl's eyes flicked to his green ones. "He lives within you."

Loki jerked his hand away. "I recognize a lie when I see one! I am the Prince of Lies," he spat. "I am a murderer! I am a despicable monster! I don't deserve to live!"

His eyes flamed with fury, and he stepped towards her. "Leave me be! I don't want your help! You say you help the lost, but what is it you do to me? You lie! I'm more lost! I won't ever be found! Get out! Get out, you mewling quim!" He yelled.

She backed away from him, her eyes searching his face in disbelief. Her face showed nothing but hurt, her eyes filled with fear. She turned her head away from him, then turned to leave. She said nothing, she didn't look at him, but he suddenly didn't want to be alone.

"Wait! I-" he stopped as she turned. Her eyes glistened, but she still looked at him with pity.

"Loki," she said softly. "Whatever you are, you're no killer."

He looked away. "But I killed him..."

"By accident. He gave you the weapon, told you to use it. Neither of you would have hurt the other intentionally," she said. A tear fell down her cheek. "At least you can say that much."

He looked at her.

"Remember these words, Loki," she whispered. She stepped forwards and cupped his cheek in her hand. "Never show them it hurts you. They'll only wound you deeper."

Loki stared into her eyes in shock. She started to glow with a soft silver light. It slowly grew in luminosity, and suddenly, the light faded, and she was gone.

He backed away slowly from the spot, and slid down the wall. He considered her words. It was strange, almost painful how much they made sense. All anyone had ever done was hurt him...except for Balder.


End file.
